I’m working on not freaking out.  It’s taking effort.  I’ve been here before.

The other night, Mom was over at Fidelicharis House, helping me get ready for the first non-family party I’ve had in years.  At Christmastime when she was helping me get ready for family parties, there was no question that I had many, multiple moments of freaking out.  It was not pretty.  My Mother is a wonderfully gracious forgiver.  And giver.  And she was back, helping me again and I was noticing that I wasn’t freaking out nearly as I had been back at Christmas (although I was struggling with not freaking out at that precise moment) and she helped me with something else and said, “So see?  Don’t freak out!”  I think that’s the first time in over sixty years of living my Mother has used that expression.  I love her.  Immensely.  And, by God’s grace, I didn’t freak out so much that night, and by God’s grace and Mom’s help, the party was an unqualified success.  But I’m having difficulty not freaking out again.  I’ve been here before.

I’ve been at the place where I am working my tail off, seeing success, doing right, making progress and am excited about ‘finally breaking through’!  And then, always, and then, I fall, so flat-on-my-face so as to be unrecognizable, except for the fact that I have spent longer flat-on-my-face, so that non-flat-on-my-face Deborah is rather more unrecognizable than flat-on-my-face Deborah.

My insides are freaking out about that.  When one ‘makes changes’ that have been made what seems a thousand times before, there appears to be very little point…much in the same way that a person loses the same twenty pounds they’ve been losing and gaining and losing and gaining and losing and gaining for three decades now.  Where is the change?  At this point, I’ve not passed the change.

At this point, I’m still reading my Bible daily, in Exodus.  At this point, I’m still enjoying the effects of a clean home.  At this point, I’m working, even though I’m a.) exhausted, b.) in pain, c.) overwhelmed, or d.) any combination of the above, but saying ‘it is worth it’ to feel rotten but to a.) have something finished, b.) have a clean home, c.) have followed through with that, or d.) any combination of the above.  I’ve been here before.

At this point, I’m still keeping up with tracking my expenses.  At this point, the dishes are all in the dishwasher, the floors are swept and the laundry is wonderfully in process.  At this point, 2011 and 2012 receipts are sorted and I’m even letting go of individually back-tracking on 2011 receipts and considering the same for 2012.  At this point, I have helpfully organized and recorded lists of all important activities for the next six months from which I am working to design the ‘essentials’ on a week-by-week basis.  At this point, I have people praying for me and multiple people with whom I’m updating and keeping abreast of progress.  I’ve been here before.

At this point, I even have a Gmail label to track emails relating to Deborah, 2013 Progress.  I will admit, I’ve not been there before.

But regardless of the previous sentence, I’ve been to all of these “Success!” places before…and each time, I have ended up in a deeper pit of personal unorganization and non-self-discipline so as to be literally turning red in the face, going back and reading through journals, blog-posts and the like on ‘progress’ at points past.  Which is why I’m having difficulty in not freaking out.  I don’t want to ever be here again.

I will say that some things are different…

• I have come to understand that I will never arrive at Accomplished.  It is something either towards which I head or away from which I depart minute by minute, decision by decision.  Sometimes, I will be heading towards it; other times, I will be heading away from it, but I will never get to a point where I am ‘finished’ and have nothing left that needs done as long as I am alive on this Earth.
• I have come to understand that if I ‘default’ to inaction, paralysis or overwhelmedness leading to inaction and/or paralysis, then my life will be largely characterized by those things.  If I ‘default’ towards something, then whether I have traditional ‘success’ or not, I will be ahead of where I was by inaction and paralysis.
• I have learned that in like manner of eating the way I have to eat, or of a very fit person continuing in fitness, being a good stewardess of my Father’s time, money and resources is not one decision; it is every decision that I make.  I am either being a good stewardess or I am not.  There is no ‘middle ground’, there is no ‘sort of’.  This is a life-long journey and it will not be finished until the day my Father calls me Home.
• I have come to realize that life will always interrupt.  Before, during and after the interruptions, I will either be living on purpose as a stewardess, or I will not be living on purpose as a stewardess, but it is not life that gets in the way.

Perhaps the truths of these differences will be enough to make this time different.  I do know that true change is possible…April 1, 2008, marked one of the most dramatic inner and outer changes of my life since my salvation…that of not only eating differently, but also thinking about food differently…and it’s not as though one can get away from food.  That change continues to grow and expand, but there is no question whatsoever that I am different with food.  That alone is enough to tell me that I can be different with life management, stewardship and organization.

I’m nervous.  I’m apprehensive at being at a place I’ve been many times before but of having been shown a fraud each time I’ve begun this path.  I’m ‘jumped up on the inside’ at the fact that I have so often not followed through and of the possibility that I will be so foolish again.  This is an emotional fact.  There are other facts in play here, however.  They include the fact that while I have been here before, I haven’t been further into the future than here.  I can retrace the path back to the pit or I can continue walking upwards and out.  They include the fact that God wastes nothing and all that I have learned and experienced and the things from which I have grown previously can (and will, as I walk with Him) be used to bring Him glory and me joy, and I have only, truly, to trust and obey.  They include the fact that I am going to be walking in one direction or another as long as God leaves me on this earth–it may as well be in the direction of obedience, joy and peace, regardless of circumstances and life events.

I have had a greater desire to write during this past month of changes…I haven’t, due to all I was reading from my own many times that I’ve written and seen my ‘thoughts and plans’ come to naught.  And yet, as I continue, not by might, nor by power, nor by my own anything, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, to walk in obedience with Him on everything–dishes, paperwork, laundry, and more, alike–I may find myself with more days like today…a day Interrupted By Life in the form of a Best Friend, Two Boys and a Baby Girl, a neighborhood fire and the subsequent coffee, cookies and neighbor-tending necessary to loving my neighbors as I love myself, feeling rather rotten from the time I awoke, and just not being in the mood for much of anything, and yet, a day in which I was able to still do laundry, dishes, paperwork, Bible study, sweep, work on pictures, write even, and just sit and enjoy the quiet, not accomplishing EVERYTHING that I may perhaps have wished to accomplish, but not wasting away the day away in a lack of ‘ideal circumstances.’

As per usual, C.S. Lewis sums it up best…‎”If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come.”  Yes.  Amen.  Please, God, give me the power of Your Holy Spirit to be faithful, working in the conditions in which You have placed me, doing what You have called me to do now, not delaying.

As God proves faithful, as I walk in obedience, truly, I am looking forward to being able to write, and taking the time to write here once again.  My part of the story isn’t finished until God calls me Home.  Oh, that I will live in that grace afresh each morning and each moment of the day, to stay faithful until I see His face!

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He who calls you [is] faithful, who also will do [it].  I Thessalonians 5:23-24

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father!  There is no shadow of turning in Thee!
Thou changest not!  Thy compassions, they fail not!  As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be!

Great is Thy faithfulness!  Great is Thy faithfulness!  Morning by morning new mercies I see!
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided!  Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
~Thomas Obediah Chisholm

Today has been a day…86,400 seconds worth of a day (well, it’s still continuing, but you get the idea), as Alistair Begg noted on the radio.  I miss hearing him at 9:00 p.m., but since Truth for Life has been moved to 12:30 p.m., I only hear him on week days that I’m home…which, during the school year, isn’t often.  I’ve been home today due to a doctor’s appointment that got rescheduled after a substitute was already secured, rendering the purpose of the day moot, at least in regards to a reason to take off school…until I awoke…after 9:00 a.m., exhausted, feeling lethargic and unwell and with a headache that has lasted ’til now (perhaps the Excedrin will kick in while I write).

As usual, I have so many thoughts swirling in my head…and don’t get nearly enough of them on paper…or typed out as the case may be…to justify the time spent on them in my mind.  That brings me to one area in which God has been louder and more loudly speaking to me–the amount of time spent on things that don’t matter for eternity…on things that just. don’t. last.  To begin with, I’m restricting computer usage, well, *internet* usage…and will probably restrict more of it in the days ahead.  Ironically, that might cause me to write here more, in that one of the things that I don’t do, but would like to do more, is to write…and because of other, more mindless, transient internet usage, I don’t.  I am restricting the more aimless internet usage not because the internet is bad–it’s a thing.  It’s amoral.  But the way in which it is used is done for good or for evil, as the user does, and this user has far too many millions of seconds that are lost somewhere in a bejewelled cyberspace, never to be seen again.  I don’t want to that to be the epigram of my life.

I have been dealing with the aftermath of a series of small decisions that led to a bigger issue (another major theme of late) here in the kitchen today.  Last fall, I ‘didn’t get around to’ taking care of the garden hose outside from last summer.  At first, it ‘wasn’t that cold’ (and really, it wasn’t!).  Then, I can’t tell you how many 60 degree days we had in this, our third? second? warmest winter on record.  Thirdly, we had NO Snow Days this year WHATSOEVER.  None.  I can’t tell you the last time that happened, either.  Fourthly, to take care of the garden hose would have required the work of doing it, of getting ‘filthy’ and then, too, of doing something with my flea-ridden garage, thanks to some nasty creature that got locked in there for three weeks last summer, the fleas of which refused to die, even after four flea bombings.  So the garden hose stayed attached to the house spigot, the winter was winter and got cold, but never that cold, and after an 80 degree, warmest March ever on record, I arrived home from my warm and sunny! Minnesota Spring Break to find that it was scheduled to get down to 29 degrees that night and my bursting-out-in-Summertime-March strawberry plants were in danger of losing their happy white blossoms to the evil, killing frost.

No fear!  I read Farmer Boy as a girl and I know how to save the corn crop from an Upstate New York Fourth of July Eve killer frost!  And what will work for that will work for strawberries, I am certain!  All I need do is make sure that the strawberries are well-soaked with water before the sun hits them and then they will survive and I will be enjoying sweet, red deliciousness near the end of May!   So, thanking God for modern technology that would not have me out of bed hauling water in buckets from a well at 3:00 a.m., I attached the sprinkler to the garden hose and set about manipulating my contraption with the strawberry plants in the garden in the very chilly (36 degrees) dark of 10:30 p.m. after having driven in from Chicago that day, and from Minneapolis the day before.  Only the sprinkler wouldn’t work.  There was just NO reasonable water pressure.  I messed with it for 10 or 15 minutes before finally concluding that weak water pressure was better than no water pressure and I would simply set my alarm for 7 o’clock the next morning to make sure the water was well enough distributed with about fifteen minutes to spare before the sun touched it’s killing rays on my frost-fearful plants.  So I went inside.  And heard water running in my house.  Loudly.

Two steps down the basement stairs, I dashed back up them, out the back door and ’round to the side of the house to turn off the water, that wasn’t coming out of the sprinkler very well because more than half of the water that should have been coming out of the house into the garden hose was being doused all over my basement.  From the pipe that had had a sizable hole in it because the hose (with water in it) was kept attached to the spigot last fall instead of removed, as one should take five minutes and do, and the water in the hose had frozen back into the house and when it went as far as it could freeze in the house, it burst the pipe.  I went back inside, had a moment or two of tears that tried to add to the overall water total, gave up on that drenchingly purposeless and further exhausting idea, gave thanks to God that this wasn’t sewage water (perspective, how I love thee!), and then set about trying to salvage what I could of my boxes of ‘momentos’ that had been in the ‘safe’ corner of the basement during the previous sewage floods, and that were now inches deep in garden hose water.  I got to sleep some time after 3:00 a.m. and was back up before 7:00 a.m., attempting (and, thank You, God, apparently successfully) to save the strawberries.  And in the meantime, my kitchen/dining/bathroom/living room floors became covered with drying ‘momentos’.

And this is where I’ve been for the past several years, most especially since my body went crazy on me four years ago.  Since April 5, I have had the remnants of that mini-saga about me, and have only made minimal, slow progress in dealing with all of it.  This time, it’s this flood, but at seventy points past, it’s been seventy other things.  Something out-of-the ordinary will happen, and while it is not an easy or convenient thing, it is certainly not a ‘gigantic’, life-stopping thing.  And yet, I will allow it to throw a two week/two month/two year wrench into my ‘dealing with it’, and I allow myself to become paralyzed with the ever-growing “I can’t handle this!”-ness of it.  I never used to be this way.  I don’t like living this way and it is certainly not how I believe God would have me to use His resources of time, home, energy, things or provisions.

I feel rather like the deeply seeded thistle weeds that are in my garden area, especially the kitchen garden and the back-of-the-garage garden, that continue coming up faster than my good plants and continue coming up no matter how many of them are pulled up by the roots.  Somewhere, somehow, at some time, they took hold deep in the dirt and while other weeds can/have been/are eradicated, those persist–painfully, plentifully, and regardless of all efforts to get rid of them, both at surface and root levels.  Somehow, in my life, I have gotten to the place that even ‘small weeds’ grow quickly and crazily into large, good-plant-killing weeds that take over my life, home and energy and far too often, I just give up and let the weeds win, rendering myself unfruitful in so many ways.  And yet, although I have had to learn to not freak out about things that I don’t like (in this case, my house and by consequence, many areas of my life, being a mess) in order to not over-agitate my body,  there is no question that these life-sucking weeds of disorder, laziness, and overwhelm-ed-ness suck the nutrients from my soul (and certainly don’t help my body, either!), keeping me from being fruitful and productive in the ways God would have me to be fruitful and productive, living in the freedom in which God calls us to live–not enslaved to anything, save our One, Good Master.

This must change.  God has been telling this to me for awhile…over a year, actually.  *sigh*  I’m a slower learner on some things than others.  But this must change.  One thing I have discovered that I use to drown out the ‘I’m buried!  I must act!  But I don’t know where to begin!  And I know I wont’ finish!’ voice is over-usage/wasteful usage of the internet.  When something is ‘too big to tackle in the next 20 minutes’, instead of getting 20 minutes further into the project, I much more easily, lazily and slothfully check facebook, read news articles, play a mindless (only 1 minute!) game, go searching for something interesting to read because I can’t find any articles in the eight websites I just skimmed…anything to get out of 20 minutes of progress that, if applied three times daily, four times weekly, would have me out of my current mini-disaster, whatever it is, in just a few short days.  Out of my 86,400 seconds?  I shudder to think of how many are lost in the abyss of Time Wasted.

In the past three months in thought, in the past two weeks in action, thanks be to God for His great patience, this is bit by bit, decision-by-decision, action-by-action changing.  I am a long way off from where I know God wants me.  But I have begun walking in that direction, and by His mercy, grace and strength, I plan to continue walking that direction, and am working to run in that direction.

It will take continued time; it will take continued effort; it will take continued, consistent obedience and it will take repentance and re-continued obedience when I don’t do it and then have to do it, again.  But I am making changes in the life and home He’s given me, God wants me to continue to make changes in the life and home He’s given me and faithful is He Who called me, Who also will do it!  My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest strain but wholly lean on Jesus’ Name.  I have demonstrated time and again that I am weak and unwilling/unable to do all that I need to do on my own.  I must look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorned its shame and sat down at the right hand of God the Father, considering Him Who did not grow weary and give up.

There is a great comfort and confidence in praying to a God Whom you *know* wants to AND will answer your prayer.  ”For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father Who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in Whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.”  …from Colossians 1.

I began this year wanting to make some changes and even posting about some changes I was making, particularly in the area of reading.  By God’s grace, I’ve been successful in some of those…I am still making my way through the Old Testament (I Samuel 22, currently), and will post another time about the reading list updates.  Reading changes aren’t the only things God has been working on in my life.  There are many, many.  Well-using His time so as to be a better stewardess of the life He’s given me is another needed change, and a big one.  How utterly thankful I am to serve a merciful God Who is willing to step out of timeless eternity into, not only the 86,400 seconds per-day that He’s ordained for us humans, but into the even-more-elongated, oh-so-often-so-slow pace of my personal growth in order to make me more like His Son and to perfect the work that He began.

In truth, I feel rather ridiculous that such is an area of needed growth at this point in my life.  I feel as though this should be in the ‘my-parents-taught-me-this-when-I-was-four-and-it’s-stuck-with-me-the-rest-of-my-life-and-I’m-so-grateful-to-them-for-this-essential-life-lesson’ clear.  And to be clear, fair and truthful they did!  This massive failure of wise actions, as anyone who knows me can tell you, is something that has really come out in the past five years, for, probably, various reasons.  Regardless of the reasons for its arrival in my life, however, it is something that must change, and on which I am utterly dependent on God…because it’s abundantly clear that I am not going to succeed on my own.  I am not worthy of God’s faithful work in me, but I am so desperately, exceedingly thankful for it.  One Day, He will finish that work, may Jesus Christ be praised!  And in the meantime?  I must obey…one minute, one step, one decision, one action at a time.  ”Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.”  Philippians 2:12-13

But we never can prove
  The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
  For the favor He shows,
  And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey,
For there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
  But to trust and obey.
~J.H. Samis

Oh…and those strawberries?  This is me giving thanks to their most gracious Creator for the delightfully delicious firstfruits…literally.

Today was a day of challenges.  Not life-size challenges.  Not the challenges that will knock a person down.  Not even the challenges you might expect from a single girl on Valentine’s Day.   Just the ordinary challenges that come with being a still-being-sanctified human being in a waiting-to-be-redeemed world.  Last night, I wrote in my journal about the dichotomy between the various aspects of my life–the big ups, the big downs, the smaller ups, the smaller downs, and the living in the life that is often traveling through all of them at the same time.

I have stacks of blessings to the clouds; I cried myself to work, after burning my wrist with hot tea in the front yard, telling God that I just. could. not. do. this. any. more.  I am too tired to even move, much less accomplish my requirements.

My sweet, darling, newest nephew Calvin seems to be doing much better after a bit of a health scare yesterday; I am taking down my Christmas tree tonight because a.) It’s Valentine’s Day and b.) I need my house to look good by Thursday (for another one of those ups and downs).

I got to come home today after school today, after having conferences last evening, conferences tomorrow evening and a wonderful visit with my Grandpa last night; I was all argumentative with my sister today, not even realizing that it was Valentine’s Day and she was calling for a happy, I-love-you-I’m-glad-you’re-my-sister chat.

And then, I got off the phone with her and sat in the kitchen and bawled, because so self-focused was I, that in the midst of these and other ordinary-to-life struggles, I had lost sight of what God calls me to do–to fix my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to the One Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the Cross, scorned its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Why am I to do that?  In part, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart.

And then, after the trainwreck had halted and before I completely gave up, I returned a phone call to my best friend, telling her of the most recent mess I’d made of things and then got frustrated when someone was knocking at my door while I was trying to talk with her, because I just wasn’t up to one more thing.  And then I opened the door.  And she walked in.  With two bunches of what I call “red tiger lilies”, but are really scarlet alstroemeria and have been one of my favorite flowers since I was a teenager.  For me.  For Valentine’s Day.  And then I really cried.

This silly girl, who knows that God provides, God forgives, God does the impossible, God IS, and yet who gets herself SO distracted by all the Other Things, is the loved daughter of a kind and gracious Father Who showers her with undeserved gifts of sweetness from Himself, His Word and His people, and sometimes, in the beautiful gift of Scarlet Alstroemeria from a precious friend and her children–not because she’s worthy, but because GOD is, and He gives to supply my needs (and even desires) according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

That, my friends, is infinite wealth.  And that, my friends, is our generous God.  How I praise Him!  NOT just because of His kindness to me in sending encouragement when I was discouraged, but the fact that in His boundless love and mercy, He the ransom freely gave.  He has taken care of my greatest need in saving my soul from eternal judgement through the shed blood of Jesus.  How will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?  Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Sometimes, people are unaware of their bad habits until someone points them out.  At other times, they’re fully aware of them but either like them and so continue in them, or don’t know what to do about them and so don’t do anything about them.

And then, at other times, they are aware of their bad habits and begin the process of forging new, better habits.

God, being God, and therefore gracious, good and patient (as well as righteous, pure, just and holy), has been working with me on my habits, on how I spend my His time and on making changes towards the right, good and better.  The need for change has been on my heart and mind a great deal over this past year.  A year ago, I was all-but-housebound, not even making it out the door to school many days, because of the insanity that was my skin situation.  I ended up missing nearly a month of school and then got stacked up on lots of steroids and have been living a much more normal-looking life since about the end of March/beginning of April, with the exception of lots of steroids, a sliding scale of 40 lbs. and an average of 2-3 doctors’ visits per week.  But last year, I didn’t sleep more than three hours at a time from November to February.  And many, many nights and days, I was awake, awake, awake.  And when you’re awake, rocking and writhing in pain, when you’re supposed to be asleep, and you’ve spent time in prayer, and you’ve spent time online and you’ve spent time in the dark and you’re still awake, you have time to think and evaluate.  (You even have time before all that  but you for sure have time at that point.)

One central theme that came out of that time was on the use of the life God has given me and how it is or isn’t being used for His glory.  That, as a subject in and of itself is still Very Large In My Mind.  I don’t have all the answers I want and therefore, it feels frustrating, overwhelming, too huge and I-can’t-handle-this-all-right-now.  However, the response to that in The New Life of Deborah (as opposed to pre-skin/adrenal/we-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-with-you situation) is “No!  You can’t handle it all.  But you can handle something.  So start with something.”  And that is what I am doing, and why I am planning to jot a few notes here, if for no other reason than for myself, to have record (and upkeep) of the Something that I am doing to better use the time and the life God has given me.

The area I’m writing about today will quite probably come across to the general reader (if so such reader exists) as frivolous.  And yet, for me, it’s a small step towards greater purposefulness and easy to track.  Therefore, it is the first. 

One particular bad habit I have is of reading books that I love overandoverandoverandoverandoverandover.  I honestly, truly couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve read certain favorite books–literally, into the hundreds of times, of that I am *quite* certain.  Some of them truly are of terrific quality and I am not sorry for the reading.  However, it is a very big world, there is a great deal of information out in it, and as this (former, when she could have ice cream) I-only-order-chocolate-chip-ice-cream-when-at-an-ice-cream-shoppe-because-while-I-might-like-another-flavor,-I-KNOW-I-love-chocolate-chip-and-I’m-not-guaranteed-to-like-another-flavor-as-well-as-I-like-chocolate-chip-so-since-I’m-spending-money-on-ice-cream-I’ll-get-what-I-KNOW-I-like habitual girl needs to grow and expand, I’ve decided to simply make myself write down every book that I read this year.  No crazy, “I must read 50 new books this year!” goal…simply writing down every book I read.  Can I read old books?  Sure, but I’m looking for new and different books to read.  In writing them down, I’ll have a better track of what I am doing, and Lord willing, by the end of the year, I’ll have a new habit of reading new material in with the old, *and* I’ll have the enrichment of the new books…for as Finnian Jones of Lamplighter Theatre so wisely quoted (apparently from Charles Tremendous Jones), “My boy, in five years, you’ll be the same man as you were with the exception of the people you meet and the books you read.”  And I need to read some new books.

I am also working on my finances…specifically, I am only permitting myself buying one book over the internet per month, which has already proven helpful for things that I feel I ‘need’.  And, I’ve borrowed a book or two and reading online, and had one given to me for Christmas…so really, I’ve got several on which I’m working at once, *and* haven’t been wasteful with money, either.  Hooray!   Without further ado, here is the 2012 list, in progress.

• Rhett Butler’s People by Donald McCraig (gift from my Aunt Patty)  READING

This GWTW freak has been sneaking in a chapter here & there in stores & online ever since it came out…SO excited to read it. 

• Sleep  It Does a Family Good by Dr. Archibald Hart (internet book purchase of the month)  READING

Dr. Hart has written a great deal about adrenal issues, stress and the like and I became acquainted with his works over the past five years due to my situation, and they’ve all been excellent and helpful.  One day over Christmas Break, I heard the Mid-Day Connection girls discussing this book and knew I had to get it.  Sleep is another issue that I plan to write about on here I’ll probably be reporting from this book, which I expect to be an important tool in changing some things.

• Through My Eyes by Tim Tebow (school library book)  READING

Yes.  I am reading it.  Yes.  I am enjoying it.  Yes.  I’ve been challenged by it.  Yes.  My kiddos are reading it, too.  Any other questions?  Hehhehe…seriously, I have been both blessed and challenged by a fellow sibling writing truth, and have really, really appreciated it, as well as love the opportunities for discussion with the kids so far as they, too, are reading it.

• The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis  (own)  READING

I’m reading it aloud to my Dad and my Grandma for entertainment on Winter Evenings.  They’ve not read it and wouldn’t, just by themselves.  I love reading aloud to people.  We’re having a blast.   (And yes, this is one of the books I’ve read into the hundreds of times.  I have large chunks of it memorized, without even trying.)

• Bloodlines by Dr. John Piper  READING

This book is available through a link here FOR FREE, online.  Get it.  Read it.  I know that I need to.  So do you.  And you will be blessed, I promise you.

• 2008 Rand McNally Road Atlas  READING

No, I’m not kidding.  It’s AMAZING what you learn by looking at maps!  And no, I won’t read every single letter that’s on every single page.  But I pick it up two or three times per day (you can figure out where/when) and am making my way through it.  It’s fascinating, as Atlases are. 

• The Bible  READING

This is yet-another bad habit confession, but I have never, to my knowledge, read through every single word in the Bible.  Perhaps I have, over years of study, etc., but never with full knowledge or intention.  This year, by God’s grace, I am reading aloud five chapters each day, although, when I get into Psalm 119, Isaiah and Luke, I may end up with just three chapters per day, but either way, whether I finish ‘on time’ or not, my goal is to not miss a day of reading, and to read from start to finish.  ”Thus far the LORD has helped us.”  Ebenezer.  I Samuel 7:12

It is my intention to update this list both a.) when I add a new book and b.) when I finish a book.  So right there, are probably more updates on Xanga than were in the past two years, combined.   We’ll see.

I have several other habits/patterns on which God is working with me, and as I mentioned, I want to keep those up & running, so I’ll probably have a few more ‘bigger-picture’-type posts.  I don’t have THE Big Picture Answers all in place as well as I’d like, but any good puzzler will tell you, if you put the little pieces together, you’ll get the big picture, sooner or later, and so I leave you today with these pieces of the whole, and my prayer that you, as well as I, will obey God in each little piece that He sets before us today.

Love,

Deborah

Today is Saturday, and I am seated in the brilliant sunshine of the back yard with my jeans rolled above my knees, my turtleneck sleeves pushed above my elbows, a box of kleenex at my side and a pot of Darjeeling (I think that is *such* a fun word to write and say) on a cart beside me.  I suppose you could call it the red-neck, Americanized verson of afternoon tea out-of-doors.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been sick as in head-cold, sore throat, pounding headache type of sick, and without desiring to sound like a freak, it’s nice to be sick in a my-body-isn’t-inflamed-and-I’m-in-pain-everywhere-I-have-skin kind of way.  Don’t get me wrong–I don’t ENJOY feeling this way…I’m missing an incredible production of theatre, I’ve got stacks of papers to grade, a Library that looks more like an exploded print shop, cooking that awaits and about fifty other things that would be profitable to be doing this Saturday, especially in anticipation of being 745 miles away at this time next Saturday; however, feeling normal, even “normally sick” is such a blessed relief after the past couple of years that I am thankful and able to appreciate the normalcy of it, at least.

Last Saturday, I was blessed, immeasurably, by two friends–one, a girl who has gone to our church at several points during the last decade, the other, the Mom of my best-friend-growing-up, Jennifer.  They (never having previously met each other) showed up last Saturday morning and blessed me with a combined four hours work from each of them in tackling my house and beginning to return it to habitable.  Due to both how I’ve been over the past year and other recent events, it was moving towards the inhabitable stage.  Ginny and Lisa brought their indomitable energy and I now have a clean living room and a mostly clean kitchen.  I *c*a*n*n*o*t* tell you what a gigantic relief it was to have livable rooms return to my house.  I have continued to work and make small progresses and last night, we got to celebrate Kristin Leeanna’s and ShillVester’s birthdays here (Library not-withstanding), and even though there is much yet to go, I am beginning to have hope that perhaps one day, I can return to the world of fully taking care of my own responsibilities and reaching out to others through Fidelicharis House.

I don’t know much else in regards to my skin situation.  I am still on the steroids (and it’s showing in my face and body), but I am one-milligram-a-week-at-a-time weaning myself down.  I am to finally get in to see the Rheumatologist this Tuesday and we shall see what they say.  I’ve one doctor that thinks that I have nothing more than psychotic, out-of-control eczema and another who things that it might be something more problematic.  I don’t fully know what to think.  On one hand, I’ve been dealing with the crazy eczema for all of my life, so it’s familiar.  On the other hand, the last several ‘cycles’ through which its gone have gotten exponentially worse each time, have rendered me further and further immobile and have required higher and higher levels of steroids to treat it.  On one hand, having something more serious brings with it a whole new level of complication, but on the other hand, it at least provides a ‘why’ to all the nuts-o stuff that’s happened that doesn’t seem to make much sense.

Bottom-lining it, God is in control, which is exactly where He is going to stay, and I am called to continue to trust Him.  Whether that’s with steroids and their side effects (which can get u g l y, and far beyond mere weight gain), or whether that’s with something else all-together, I don’t know.  And that’s the point–I was reading this week (I have no idea where–another downside to the information overload known as the internet!) about the point where there is no need for faith anymore, no need to trust–at the point where faith becomes sight.  It came across as slightly odd when first I heard it, but the more I thought about it, the more anticipatory I became.  How *wonderful* to be at a place where there is no need for faith!  How fabulously odd to simply be able to see, to know the ‘whats’, the ‘whys’, the answers to the questions, and truly, the Answer to the questions.  Oh, how I long for that day!  Truly, not so much in the realm of feeling a need for answers today or anything, but just in the fact of finally, finally, finally being face to face with my Savior.  ”It will be worth it all when see Jesus!  Life’s trials will seem so small when we see Christ!  One glimpse of His dear face, all sorrows will erase, so bravely run the race ’til we see Christ!”

“Oh, we shall behold Him
Yes, we shall behold Him
Face to face, in all of His glory!
We shall behold Him
Yes, we shall behold Him
Face to face, our Savior and Lord!”

Then the angel showed me the River of the Water of Life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the Tree of Life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.  No longer will there be any curse.  The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and His servants will serve Him.  They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads.  There will be no more night.  They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light.  And they will reign for ever and ever.  The angel said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true.  The Lord, the God Who inspires the prophets, sent His angel to show His servants the things that must soon take place.”  “Look, I Am coming soon!  Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy written in this scroll.”  ~Revelation 22:1-7

P.S.  While we wait for that day, the crocaii are out and I sent a picture or two to Maxwell…and there is supposed to be a very bright full moon tonight…so I may post some pictures of this last Day of Winter, 2010-2011.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows, like sea billows, roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

~H.G. Spafford

It’s been a ride, that’s for certain.  And thankfully, not the ride that Horatio Spafford rode.  At present, I’ve sent out five ‘big’ updates since the last time I updated my Xanga.  I won’t bore you with the details.   The short version is that from the last time I wrote, in many ways, things went from bad to worse, skin-wise.  I ended up out of school for the first half of February, unable to turn my head or bend my joints, God opened the door for me to get into a specialist in twenty-four hours, I had eight doctor’s visits in eight days (and am averaging three per week) I’ve been put on all sorts of steroids,  I lost two inches of fluid from each ankle in two days, I gained eleven pounds in twenty four hours, I am walking, moving, doing laundry, sashaying about and teaching without pain or itching for the first time in years, I have gotten to wear satin pajamas, dresses, skirts and even a pair of high heels for the first time in two years, I’ve been told I have Reynaud’s Phenomenon (which explains why I could never remember my hands having been frost-bitten!) and I’ve been pointed in the direction of lupus or scleroderma as possible answers to the (grammatically incorrect but more popularly phrased) question, “What in the world is going on?!”

I am being sent to a rheumatologist for the next step of diagnosis (as well as return visits to two specialists) and will see where we go from there.  It seems so crazy, that one month ago today, I was unable to function in any capacity of normalcy and now, aside from the fog of exhaustion (crazy low iron) that insists on hanging about my body, I feel more ‘normal’ and ‘functionable’ than I’ve been in *years*.  I’m still processing all of the lessons I’m learning and all of the things God is teaching me in this whip-saw difference of ‘house/bed-bound’ to ‘able-to-be-a-skirt-wearing, closed-skin, non-itchy, not-in-pain girl’.  At the same time, I’m aware that this is all in response to the four steroids that are coursing through my body and that I *cannot* continue along in that vein for a lengthy period of time, as each usage of them further affects the body problematically in multiple ways.

So what does all that mean?  Well, a couple of things, actually, both ‘big picture’ wise and more specifically…

1.  When peace like a river attendeth my way…it can be such a relief!  I have fought the return to steroids for three years now.  I am *very* aware their negative side affects and the ‘cumulative’ affect of them having to go back to such levels…and yet, God made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t going to be able to continue down the path I was going in fighting this thing.  Something different was going to have to take place if I was to be able to function, go to work, get a shower and move around my house and my responsibilities (work, groceries, errands, etc.)  And even in spite of the problems that have arisen and may arise, having *whole* skin, being able to get some sleep, and not scratching my body for hours at a time and the after-affects of that has been as deeply *restful* to my tired self as lazily rafting along a lovely, peaceful river, feet dangling in the water (because they’re closed!) with a cool iced tea on a hot summer’s day.  And I am thankful.

2.  When sorrows like sea billows roll…the God of peace is the God of sorrow and is the same God of peace in the midst of sorrow.  I in NO way compare my circumstance to Horatio Spafford–losing his son to fever, losing his four daughters to shipwreck, being left to go meet his wife, his only survivor of the shipwreck in England…how he ever wrote these words is due strictly to a strength that God gave him that is beyond my understanding.  And yet, in my own sorrows, God has shown me faithfully, faithfully, faithfully that He IS the God of peace.  I don’t know what the ultimate verdict of this all will be, and there are some possible crazy consequences (wikipedia states “Individuals with morphea or limited scleroderma have a relatively positive outlook. They will usually die from another disease, not the scleroderma.”–there has GOT to be a different way of stating that!  I about died laughing at their positive outlook!!!).  His peace, that passes ALL understanding, has truly kept my heart and my mind by Christ Jesus.  I have *no* idea what lies ahead (not that any of us ever really do! …but I used to feel like I did).  For this ‘planner-ahead-er’, that is nothing short of God’s special growth and provision, which is so wonderful, in and of itself.

3.  Whatever my lot…God. Is. Enough.  If I go on and they find out what’s happening and I’m able to live a relatively normal life and the past five years appear as a physical anomaly in my span of three-score and ten or eighty if I have the strength, that would be an incredibly beautiful, wonderful gift.  And if I end up with some crazy form of scleroderma or some other situation and my life and health right now are at the top of the hill and it all goes down from here, God. Is. Enough.  “Remember this, fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels.  Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me.  I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come.  I say:  My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.  From the east I summon a bird of prey; from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.  What I have said, that I will bring about; what I have planned, that I will do.” ~Isaiah 46:8-11  God was talking about Himself in comparison to the gods of Babylon that Israel was wanting to follow at the time…but the truth of the matter is still very real.  Our God is in Heaven.  He does whatever pleases Him.  And it is good, and right and He is Enough.

4.  Thou has taught me to say…oh how I need taught!  SO many, many lessons to learn.  In the days ahead, I’ll be detailing some of them.  As it is, one thing I’ve learned is that it’s still a better idea, even though I have the ability to move with such freedom and speed compared to how it has been, to not rush around like crazy and be late for things.  Profound, I know.  (They’re not all grand and glorious things…most of them land in the trenches.)   I don’t always succeed at being early, but I need to get a move on to school…and it’s a lovely thing to be *able* to do so!

5.  It is well, it is well, with my soul.  The ONLY way that ANY thing is well with my soul is because of the hope that I have in the One Who loved me enough to die for me.  If God was willing to take care of my greatest need with the life’s blood of His Own Son, it *truly* is well with my soul…and I can trust Him with everything else.  Praise His Name!

One of the definite perks of feeling human again for these past couple of weeks of the steroid-induced ‘vacation’ from it all was that I was feeling well enough to go to our ladies’ retreat with the girls from church.  Even after I’d said that I’d go, I knew that I’d never be able to make it through, at the point that I was.  And then, with feeling so much better, I was *thrilled* to get the opportunity, in no small part because Marla was going to be our speaker!  Marla is a wonderful girl whose written some *excellent* books–I highly recommend them–they are my standard gifts for wedding & baby showers (so if you’re getting married or childrened anytime in the near future, you now know your gift!), and we have been online-connected for at least three years now.  She tells the story better than do I (Of course she does!  She’s a writer!) and she’s written a bit about it today on her blog.  So if you want to hear the story, you can read about it with her.  I will, however, post a quick picture and tell you that it was yet another blessing to spend a peaceful, enjoyable day with all sorts of Siblings, especially getting to meet another one *before* we get to spend eternity together…yahooooojalujah!

Have a lovely day!

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings, name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done
 ~Johnson Oatman, Junior

This could be a very long entry, but it won’t be.  I need to sleep, but I can tell, I’m not yet in the state of ‘ready to go’.  Nevertheless, one must do what one should, so this won’t be a long entry.  It also won’t be a long entry, because if I really began it, I wouldn’t stop; and that would not be right/wise/prudent/helpful or several other such things.  But I am struggling…and have been for a long time.

Actually, that’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t written–when I’m struggling, I don’t really know what to say on here.  I’m not going to lie and pretend that everything is fine.  I don’t want to complain and have that sin to confess.  And, truth-be-told, I vacillate between being so overwhelmed by my struggles that there is no way I could ever get my thoughts into words and realizing that there are SO many more people with SO greater struggles and troubles than mine that I need to heed the words of Mr. Oatman, Junior and follow I Thessalonians 5:18  “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

However, something I learned a few years ago (in a completely different setting) was that just because my pain wasn’t the worst pain in the world, that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.  And that is very true.  I won’t bore anyone with the details; if you’re truly curious, you can google eczema, atopic dermatitis, gut dysbiosis, adrenal fatigue or any combination of them and go with the more extreme cases and you’ll have a ballpark of where I am.  Over the past five years, it has taken over my life to the point of rendering me incapable of doing basic tasks, of being on my feet for any length of time without outwardly noticeable pain and consuming hours of each day tending to this, my body’s largest organ, and the rather rotten side effects this disease/disorder brings with it.  Chronic pain and extreme, chronic itching/scratching and the aftereffects thereof have brought a whole new concept of what it means to get through a day and a night.  Minutes can stretch into hours as the situation degenerates into a haze of messy, disgusting pain, the consequences of which are never healed before the next round begins.  I haven’t had whole skin in over two years…and had only a brief, four to six month break of whole skin in what has been open sores for the past ten years.  I am struggling with this, and all the the ramifications of it.

And yet…

God’s Word is TRUE.  And not only does it say that I should give thanks in everything because this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning me, it also says that God works ALL things together for good for those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purposes.  It also says that our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory that surpasses them all.  It also says that God, Who did not spare His Own Son, but Who gave Him up freely for us all, will also, along with Christ, freely give us all good things.  It says that if we, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to our children, our Father in Heaven will give us the Holy Spirit of God Himself dwelling in us.  It says that we have a High Priest Who is able to empathize with our weaknesses, and Who took care of our greatest need–that of our need for our sins to be forgiven.

There has been an unmistakable sweetness in the midst of all of the pain.  When I have to call out loud for God’s help to stumble from my bedroom to the bathroom, I really do understand that apart from God, I can do nothing.  When I have to ask for God’s strength to make it from my car to the classroom, or from my classroom to the office, or from the kitchen to my bedroom, I see Him provide in physical, tangible ways for my needs.  When I get so frustrated at the gross parts of all this, or am unable to keep from yelling from the stinging pain when I get in the shower, God reminds me over and over of how blessed I am to have this condition in modern day circumstances.  In the wealthiest country in the world.  In a place where I have access to clean water.  And clean towels.  And clean socks.  And washing machines.  And dish soap that takes high levels of grease out of cloth.  And bandages.  And doctors who are willing to work to see if we can find a solution to what we know of this situation.

Beyond all of that, I have God’s promise that He works out everything for my good and that He is working to make me more like Jesus…and that means that there is purpose to all this seeming insanity–it is not for nothing; it is not in vain.  How vastly good is God!  How thankful I am to serve Him and to be His child!  How happy I am to trust Him!  For that is really what this writing is about…when I get bogged down in the minute-by-minute challenges of all this, I can get stuck for awhile if I’m not careful.  I was flirting with that tonight, but I knew that if I wrote on here, I couldn’t just stop with the bogged-down part, because that wouldn’t be wholly truthful.  I’d have to go on to the rest of it.  Because, when I trust His Word and obey it, and in everything, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving present my requests to God, He gives His peace that passes all understanding, that guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.  So very, very thankful am I!

Also, if you think of it, I need and would appreciate your prayer on my behalf…if it be God’s will for me, for healing, for strength, for faithfulness, for discipline, for rest, for a cessation of the itching, for health, for full obedience, for relief.  He is able, and if He sees it is for my good, He will do it.  And we will praise Him.  And I thank  you.  And even if He does not…He is still good, and He is still God, and we will praise Him.  And I thank you.

“Oh that my words [of my situation] were recorded, that they were written in a scroll, that they were inscribed with an iron stylus on lead or engraved in rock forever! As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives & in the end He will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes—I and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” Job 19:23-27

“Help me, then, in every situation
So to trust Thy promises, oh Lord
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting
E’re to take as from a Father’s hand
One by one, the days, the moments, fleeting
‘Til with Christ my Lord I stand”
~Karolina W. Sandell-Berg 

…and we are finished with our second week, already.  Part of me thinks, “Really?  Can we not have from Memorial Day to Labor Day to rest, read, study, recover, travel, discover, work, organize, plan, prepare and grow?”  Another part is *very* glad so few people read this blog (as I’m so ridiculously inconsistent in my writing) because no one who is not a teacher, unless they are married to a hard working teacher or are best friends or parents of a hard working teacher (notice the hard working caveat), can read the first thought and not think on some level, “I wish teachers would just shut. up.  They get two weeks at Christmas, Spring Break and June, July and August!  I don’t care what you’re doing all the rest of the time, that’s more vacation than I’ll see in a lifetime!”  (Note–first day back was August 16th…we do NOT get June, July and August.)  (And this is not a post defending the work of teachers.)  Yet another part is very glad to be through the first two weeks, already and to see the students arriving at the beginnings of a routine and not the chaosed insanity that is sixth graders as the brand new, freaked out kids on the block in the middle school building.  And all the parts of me are glad that it is Saturday!

I just got back from a wedding.  At some point, in the past couple of years, the “At my wedding, I…” thoughts have turned to, “If I had a wedding, I think…”  Deborah getting married is certainly not outside the realm of God’s power, nor the possibility outside the realm of His plan.  Thirty-three is not a “way too old for marriage” age, by any stretch of the imagination.  (Thank you, yet again, C.S. Lewis.)  However, thirty-three is much more along the lines of an age where the reality is that one cannot be called with quite the full veracity, “the bride of one’s youth”, and that while no human knows what a day may bring forth, the reality of the fact that one might not get married is much more vividly colorful in the world of possibilities than it was at eighteen.

I still have a definitive interest in marrying God’s man for me.  God has also made me much, much more content that I would have ever dreamed possible, even when I began this blog 1,622 days ago (according to the advertising peeps at Xanga Premium).  The classrooms in which God has taught me contentment have been wide and varied…certainly more so than the room in which I spend between 9 and 10 hours per day, 184 days per year (although I have done what I can to make it as intriguing and curiosity forming for myself and my kiddos as I possibly can).  But in those classrooms, God has taught and shown me many lessons that have greatly contributed to my learning the contentment that He has given as His gift of grace (particularly in a time of my life where I still desire marriage and heaps and stacks of people I know are getting married).  So between the ceremony, reception and arriving home, I got to thinking, and I came up with a small list…

• A wedding is the time set aside for the entering into a covenant relationship with another human being before the Holy God and the dearly beloved assembled witnesses, and the joyous celebration that follows.  It is often, also, a monstrously large production that can created layers and levels of headaches, pains and problems for all sorts of people involved.  Such a truth doesn’t make weddings a bad thing.  It just means that a.) it can be very easy to lose one’s focus; b.) it can be very difficult to keep everyone’s focus tied to the essentials; c.) it’s a lot of work to both have a wedding and keep focused on the essentials and d.) I’m very thankful that I don’t have that responsibility at present.

• Marriage is hard work.  Again, I’m glad I don’t know that anyone’s reading this blog (which is a blog entry in and of itself), because the married people would have reason to roll their eyes at the cluelessness of the single person who doesn’t know whereof she speaks, and single people often have the thought of “Yeah but…(either) “My marriage would be different,” or “I don’t care!  I want one anyways!  It can’t be THAT hard.  Everyone I know says it’s worth it.”  God, in His great mercy, has kept me from marriage long enough to shift my clueless pride in thinking that “It can’t be that hard.  And besides–my marriage would be different.” to show me that marriage–the Godly, loving marriage of sacrificing oneself for another sinful human being on a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day basis, truly is one of the most difficult (albeit rewarding) jobs on earth (after parenting, so I’m told).  Which brings me to a third thought…

• A good marriage is a marriage of a grace-gift and hard work.  It is not a guarantee.  Looking at marriage from the outside and inwardly whining, “I wish I had that!” while thinking of it in investment terms more appropriate to accessories or kittens is about as smart as looking at Bill Gates and inwardly whining, “I wish I had that!” and thinking that you could manage being Bill Gates with the same level of investment in your job that you currently hold.  I am (hopefully) certain that Bill Gates is thankful for what he has.  I also know from his own words, that it took a great deal of hard work to get there, and it takes a great deal of hard work to stay there.  And there are crazy responsibilities that come with being Bill Gates.  A good marriage cannot come from the same work investment level that it takes to manage accessories or a kitten.  Your life will change completely and after the big shebang of your wedding day, you return to simply being an attender at everyone else’s wedding and you have the all the responsibilities of every-day life, multiplied by your spouse and children to go along with them.  Married life is not one big, long, romantic, wedding-day-honeymoon bliss.

• The lessons that I have needed to learn as a single person are the same lessons I would have needed to learn as a married person–God has just used different tools of teaching them to me as a single girl than what He would have, in all likelihood, used, as a married one.  The idea that He, alone, is my Enough, that my highest calling in life is to glorify Him, that I have a responsibility to take care of all that He has entrusted to me, that if I wear out this body, I’ll be left without an earthly place to live, that the pain of self-discipline is far less costly than the pain of regret, that God’s Word really is true and it really does have all that I need for life and Godliness…all of these things and every other lesson that I have ever and will ever need to learn, are lessons I need to learn because God is (Hallelujah!) still in the process of making me more like His Son.  They have nothing to do with my married or childed state.  I’ll freely confess that the applications of those lessons are vastly different when in a married or childed state as compared when not, but the lessons, the truths, are true because they are truth, not because they are married or single.  Selfishness is selfishness, whether directed towards a spouse, a child, a neighbor or a stranger.  The need for God’s forgiveness, mercy and grace are just as universal.

• My highest calling in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  That is the only full success or failure that matters, and it does not apply to Deborah, the Mrs. or Deborah the Miss–it applies to Deborah, the human being, nothing else.  If I am measuring my success or failure by any other standard, I am measuring by a faulty one, and will not accurately know whether what I am doing is worth it or not.  If I mess up the job of bringing glory to God and enjoying Him, then Nothing. Else. Matters.  At all.  If I succeed at bringing glory to God and enjoying Him, then nothing can take away that success for all of eternity.

Boiled down, being married or not married is not the point.  Is it part of the travelling for many of God’s people?  Absolutely.  Is it a life-changing part?  Of course.   But it is not a direction-altering state.  The ultimate purpose, goal, and true, fulfilling desire of any person who has been bought and paid for with the precious blood of Jesus Christ is to bring glory to His Name and to find joy in Him.  The Bible makes it clear that when we stand before the Lord to give an accounting for all that we have said, thought and done, that we stand before Him alone, and that we answer for ourselves, alone.  God has blessed billions of people from Adam and Eve onward with having a partner for along the way–a partner that is a fellow sinner, that also has the privileged duty of bringing glory to God’s Name and finding joy in Him.

For those that are striving to that end with a spouse, they need God’s daily mercies and an upholding in prayer by the Body.  For those that are striving to that end without a spouse, they need God’s daily mercies and an upholding in prayer by the Body.  God gives unique challenges and blessings to both and rather than an atmosphere of one-upsmanship of the degree of difficulty of our circumstance, we would better spend our time striving with our siblings in Christ.  Regardless of our earthly status in regards to marriage, our eternal status is as an individual before the Audience of One.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will—to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.  In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.  And He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one Head, even Christ.”  Ephesians 1:3-10

Happy Living for Jesus, Ryan and Ashley…and all of you married people!  I am, truly, praying for you.  Happy Living for Jesus, all of you unmarried people!  I am praying for you, too.  May everyone come to know the unparalleled joy that comes from knowing and loving our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!  To Him be the glory both now and forever, Amen!

Sometimes, the pull of Eternity is so strongly on my heart that I wonder that I am not pulled right out of this world.  Encroaching Autumn always does this to me, without fail.  I’m not sure if it’s the cooler weather, the start of a new school year, the loss of “wonder and adventure” that used to permeate my being especially in Autumn and especially as a child, or the fact that I feel like I am somehow missing out on an elusive something that is tied up with physically distant but dearly loved people and an unidentifyable longing that are braided together in an indefinable call that I hear and feel to the very marrow of my bones.

As strange as it feels for me to write it, I almost think Wonderful Autumn is in some ways my least favorite season…or at least the most disconcerting one.  Winter, I have come to love simply for the cozy, tucking in and resting aspect of it, the knowledge that this is good and will produce great good and renewal from the time of rest; Spring is all of joyful anticipation; Summer–oh, glorious Summer!  And then, Fall…a two-sided coin that is pure, soul-flooding pleasure and pure, soul-twisting pain all at once.

I was reading in Isaiah in chapters 60, 61 and 62…anticipating Kingdom Come, and words to Israel such as “Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy”…”Then you will know that I, the LORD, am your Savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.”…”No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.  The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.  Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.  Then will all your people be righteous”…

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated”…”so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.”…”I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God.  For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,”…”For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.”

“The LORD has made proclamation to the ends of the earth:  ”Say to the Daughter of Zion, ‘See, your Savior comes!  See, His reward is with Him, and His recompense accompanies Him.’”  They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the LORD; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.”

Wow.

I know very well the absolute urgency to realize that Jesus could come at any moment.  The more I read God’s Word, the more I long for people to know Him and to not be so stubborn and hard-hearted with this gift of living in an Age of Grace.  And yet, sometimes, when I read the news, and I read people’s Facebooks and I hear the hard stuff and see the sin and know from various means the pain that is merely a ‘normal’ part of life in this sin-cursed world…the longing for the Day when the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations is so intense it feels difficult to breathe.

Oh God!  Keep the vision of Some Day Very Soon so freshly before me that I do not grow weary in doing good and in living in obedience to You!  Help me to realize that it truly, truly, is just a few snatches of moments before we stand before You to give an accounting of everything done in this blip of a seventy or eighty year timespan!  Make me steadfast, unmoving, always abounding in Your work, since I know that my work in You is not in vain!  Keep me hungry, Lord, keep me longing for that Day…let me not become so comfortable and content with the day-to-day of this world that I ever lose my hunger and thirst for the Day when You will rule the world with truth and grace and make the nations prove the glories of Your righteousness and the wonders of Your love.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.