January 19, 2011
-
Struggling
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings, name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done
~Johnson Oatman, JuniorThis could be a very long entry, but it won’t be. I need to sleep, but I can tell, I’m not yet in the state of ‘ready to go’. Nevertheless, one must do what one should, so this won’t be a long entry. It also won’t be a long entry, because if I really began it, I wouldn’t stop; and that would not be right/wise/prudent/helpful or several other such things. But I am struggling…and have been for a long time.
Actually, that’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t written–when I’m struggling, I don’t really know what to say on here. I’m not going to lie and pretend that everything is fine. I don’t want to complain and have that sin to confess. And, truth-be-told, I vacillate between being so overwhelmed by my struggles that there is no way I could ever get my thoughts into words and realizing that there are SO many more people with SO greater struggles and troubles than mine that I need to heed the words of Mr. Oatman, Junior and follow I Thessalonians 5:18 “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
However, something I learned a few years ago (in a completely different setting) was that just because my pain wasn’t the worst pain in the world, that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. And that is very true. I won’t bore anyone with the details; if you’re truly curious, you can google eczema, atopic dermatitis, gut dysbiosis, adrenal fatigue or any combination of them and go with the more extreme cases and you’ll have a ballpark of where I am. Over the past five years, it has taken over my life to the point of rendering me incapable of doing basic tasks, of being on my feet for any length of time without outwardly noticeable pain and consuming hours of each day tending to this, my body’s largest organ, and the rather rotten side effects this disease/disorder brings with it. Chronic pain and extreme, chronic itching/scratching and the aftereffects thereof have brought a whole new concept of what it means to get through a day and a night. Minutes can stretch into hours as the situation degenerates into a haze of messy, disgusting pain, the consequences of which are never healed before the next round begins. I haven’t had whole skin in over two years…and had only a brief, four to six month break of whole skin in what has been open sores for the past ten years. I am struggling with this, and all the the ramifications of it.
And yet…
God’s Word is TRUE. And not only does it say that I should give thanks in everything because this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning me, it also says that God works ALL things together for good for those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purposes. It also says that our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory that surpasses them all. It also says that God, Who did not spare His Own Son, but Who gave Him up freely for us all, will also, along with Christ, freely give us all good things. It says that if we, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to our children, our Father in Heaven will give us the Holy Spirit of God Himself dwelling in us. It says that we have a High Priest Who is able to empathize with our weaknesses, and Who took care of our greatest need–that of our need for our sins to be forgiven.
There has been an unmistakable sweetness in the midst of all of the pain. When I have to call out loud for God’s help to stumble from my bedroom to the bathroom, I really do understand that apart from God, I can do nothing. When I have to ask for God’s strength to make it from my car to the classroom, or from my classroom to the office, or from the kitchen to my bedroom, I see Him provide in physical, tangible ways for my needs. When I get so frustrated at the gross parts of all this, or am unable to keep from yelling from the stinging pain when I get in the shower, God reminds me over and over of how blessed I am to have this condition in modern day circumstances. In the wealthiest country in the world. In a place where I have access to clean water. And clean towels. And clean socks. And washing machines. And dish soap that takes high levels of grease out of cloth. And bandages. And doctors who are willing to work to see if we can find a solution to what we know of this situation.
Beyond all of that, I have God’s promise that He works out everything for my good and that He is working to make me more like Jesus…and that means that there is purpose to all this seeming insanity–it is not for nothing; it is not in vain. How vastly good is God! How thankful I am to serve Him and to be His child! How happy I am to trust Him! For that is really what this writing is about…when I get bogged down in the minute-by-minute challenges of all this, I can get stuck for awhile if I’m not careful. I was flirting with that tonight, but I knew that if I wrote on here, I couldn’t just stop with the bogged-down part, because that wouldn’t be wholly truthful. I’d have to go on to the rest of it. Because, when I trust His Word and obey it, and in everything, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving present my requests to God, He gives His peace that passes all understanding, that guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. So very, very thankful am I!
Also, if you think of it, I need and would appreciate your prayer on my behalf…if it be God’s will for me, for healing, for strength, for faithfulness, for discipline, for rest, for a cessation of the itching, for health, for full obedience, for relief. He is able, and if He sees it is for my good, He will do it. And we will praise Him. And I thank you. And even if He does not…He is still good, and He is still God, and we will praise Him. And I thank you.
“Oh that my words [of my situation] were recorded, that they were written in a scroll, that they were inscribed with an iron stylus on lead or engraved in rock forever! As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives & in the end He will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes—I and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” Job 19:23-27
“Help me, then, in every situation
So to trust Thy promises, oh Lord
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting
E’re to take as from a Father’s hand
One by one, the days, the moments, fleeting
‘Til with Christ my Lord I stand”
~Karolina W. Sandell-Berg
