February 2, 2013
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Not Freaking Out
I’m working on not freaking out. It’s taking effort. I’ve been here before.
The other night, Mom was over at Fidelicharis House, helping me get ready for the first non-family party I’ve had in years. At Christmastime when she was helping me get ready for family parties, there was no question that I had many, multiple moments of freaking out. It was not pretty. My Mother is a wonderfully gracious forgiver. And giver. And she was back, helping me again and I was noticing that I wasn’t freaking out nearly as I had been back at Christmas (although I was struggling with not freaking out at that precise moment) and she helped me with something else and said, “So see? Don’t freak out!” I think that’s the first time in over sixty years of living my Mother has used that expression. I love her. Immensely. And, by God’s grace, I didn’t freak out so much that night, and by God’s grace and Mom’s help, the party was an unqualified success. But I’m having difficulty not freaking out again. I’ve been here before.
I’ve been at the place where I am working my tail off, seeing success, doing right, making progress and am excited about ‘finally breaking through’! And then, always, and then, I fall, so flat-on-my-face so as to be unrecognizable, except for the fact that I have spent longer flat-on-my-face, so that non-flat-on-my-face Deborah is rather more unrecognizable than flat-on-my-face Deborah.
My insides are freaking out about that. When one ‘makes changes’ that have been made what seems a thousand times before, there appears to be very little point…much in the same way that a person loses the same twenty pounds they’ve been losing and gaining and losing and gaining and losing and gaining for three decades now. Where is the change? At this point, I’ve not passed the change.
At this point, I’m still reading my Bible daily, in Exodus. At this point, I’m still enjoying the effects of a clean home. At this point, I’m working, even though I’m a.) exhausted, b.) in pain, c.) overwhelmed, or d.) any combination of the above, but saying ‘it is worth it’ to feel rotten but to a.) have something finished, b.) have a clean home, c.) have followed through with that, or d.) any combination of the above. I’ve been here before.
At this point, I’m still keeping up with tracking my expenses. At this point, the dishes are all in the dishwasher, the floors are swept and the laundry is wonderfully in process. At this point, 2011 and 2012 receipts are sorted and I’m even letting go of individually back-tracking on 2011 receipts and considering the same for 2012. At this point, I have helpfully organized and recorded lists of all important activities for the next six months from which I am working to design the ‘essentials’ on a week-by-week basis. At this point, I have people praying for me and multiple people with whom I’m updating and keeping abreast of progress. I’ve been here before.
At this point, I even have a Gmail label to track emails relating to Deborah, 2013 Progress. I will admit, I’ve not been there before.
But regardless of the previous sentence, I’ve been to all of these “Success!” places before…and each time, I have ended up in a deeper pit of personal unorganization and non-self-discipline so as to be literally turning red in the face, going back and reading through journals, blog-posts and the like on ‘progress’ at points past. Which is why I’m having difficulty in not freaking out. I don’t want to ever be here again.
I will say that some things are different…
- I have come to understand that I will never arrive at Accomplished. It is something either towards which I head or away from which I depart minute by minute, decision by decision. Sometimes, I will be heading towards it; other times, I will be heading away from it, but I will never get to a point where I am ‘finished’ and have nothing left that needs done as long as I am alive on this Earth.
- I have come to understand that if I ‘default’ to inaction, paralysis or overwhelmedness leading to inaction and/or paralysis, then my life will be largely characterized by those things. If I ‘default’ towards something, then whether I have traditional ‘success’ or not, I will be ahead of where I was by inaction and paralysis.
- I have learned that in like manner of eating the way I have to eat, or of a very fit person continuing in fitness, being a good stewardess of my Father’s time, money and resources is not one decision; it is every decision that I make. I am either being a good stewardess or I am not. There is no ‘middle ground’, there is no ‘sort of’. This is a life-long journey and it will not be finished until the day my Father calls me Home.
- I have come to realize that life will always interrupt. Before, during and after the interruptions, I will either be living on purpose as a stewardess, or I will not be living on purpose as a stewardess, but it is not life that gets in the way.
Perhaps the truths of these differences will be enough to make this time different. I do know that true change is possible…April 1, 2008, marked one of the most dramatic inner and outer changes of my life since my salvation…that of not only eating differently, but also thinking about food differently…and it’s not as though one can get away from food. That change continues to grow and expand, but there is no question whatsoever that I am different with food. That alone is enough to tell me that I can be different with life management, stewardship and organization.
I’m nervous. I’m apprehensive at being at a place I’ve been many times before but of having been shown a fraud each time I’ve begun this path. I’m ‘jumped up on the inside’ at the fact that I have so often not followed through and of the possibility that I will be so foolish again. This is an emotional fact. There are other facts in play here, however. They include the fact that while I have been here before, I haven’t been further into the future than here. I can retrace the path back to the pit or I can continue walking upwards and out. They include the fact that God wastes nothing and all that I have learned and experienced and the things from which I have grown previously can (and will, as I walk with Him) be used to bring Him glory and me joy, and I have only, truly, to trust and obey. They include the fact that I am going to be walking in one direction or another as long as God leaves me on this earth–it may as well be in the direction of obedience, joy and peace, regardless of circumstances and life events.
I have had a greater desire to write during this past month of changes…I haven’t, due to all I was reading from my own many times that I’ve written and seen my ‘thoughts and plans’ come to naught. And yet, as I continue, not by might, nor by power, nor by my own anything, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, to walk in obedience with Him on everything–dishes, paperwork, laundry, and more, alike–I may find myself with more days like today…a day Interrupted By Life in the form of a Best Friend, Two Boys and a Baby Girl, a neighborhood fire and the subsequent coffee, cookies and neighbor-tending necessary to loving my neighbors as I love myself, feeling rather rotten from the time I awoke, and just not being in the mood for much of anything, and yet, a day in which I was able to still do laundry, dishes, paperwork, Bible study, sweep, work on pictures, write even, and just sit and enjoy the quiet, not accomplishing EVERYTHING that I may perhaps have wished to accomplish, but not wasting away the day away in a lack of ‘ideal circumstances.’
As per usual, C.S. Lewis sums it up best…”If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come.” Yes. Amen. Please, God, give me the power of Your Holy Spirit to be faithful, working in the conditions in which You have placed me, doing what You have called me to do now, not delaying.
As God proves faithful, as I walk in obedience, truly, I am looking forward to being able to write, and taking the time to write here once again. My part of the story isn’t finished until God calls me Home. Oh, that I will live in that grace afresh each morning and each moment of the day, to stay faithful until I see His face!
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you [is] faithful, who also will do [it]. I Thessalonians 5:23-24
Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father! There is no shadow of turning in Thee!
Thou changest not! Thy compassions, they fail not! As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be!Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see!
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided! Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
~Thomas Obediah Chisholm
