…and we are finished with our second week, already.  Part of me thinks, “Really?  Can we not have from Memorial Day to Labor Day to rest, read, study, recover, travel, discover, work, organize, plan, prepare and grow?”  Another part is *very* glad so few people read this blog (as I’m so ridiculously inconsistent in my writing) because no one who is not a teacher, unless they are married to a hard working teacher or are best friends or parents of a hard working teacher (notice the hard working caveat), can read the first thought and not think on some level, “I wish teachers would just shut. up.  They get two weeks at Christmas, Spring Break and June, July and August!  I don’t care what you’re doing all the rest of the time, that’s more vacation than I’ll see in a lifetime!”  (Note–first day back was August 16th…we do NOT get June, July and August.)  (And this is not a post defending the work of teachers.)  Yet another part is very glad to be through the first two weeks, already and to see the students arriving at the beginnings of a routine and not the chaosed insanity that is sixth graders as the brand new, freaked out kids on the block in the middle school building.  And all the parts of me are glad that it is Saturday!

I just got back from a wedding.  At some point, in the past couple of years, the “At my wedding, I…” thoughts have turned to, “If I had a wedding, I think…”  Deborah getting married is certainly not outside the realm of God’s power, nor the possibility outside the realm of His plan.  Thirty-three is not a “way too old for marriage” age, by any stretch of the imagination.  (Thank you, yet again, C.S. Lewis.)  However, thirty-three is much more along the lines of an age where the reality is that one cannot be called with quite the full veracity, “the bride of one’s youth”, and that while no human knows what a day may bring forth, the reality of the fact that one might not get married is much more vividly colorful in the world of possibilities than it was at eighteen.

I still have a definitive interest in marrying God’s man for me.  God has also made me much, much more content that I would have ever dreamed possible, even when I began this blog 1,622 days ago (according to the advertising peeps at Xanga Premium).  The classrooms in which God has taught me contentment have been wide and varied…certainly more so than the room in which I spend between 9 and 10 hours per day, 184 days per year (although I have done what I can to make it as intriguing and curiosity forming for myself and my kiddos as I possibly can).  But in those classrooms, God has taught and shown me many lessons that have greatly contributed to my learning the contentment that He has given as His gift of grace (particularly in a time of my life where I still desire marriage and heaps and stacks of people I know are getting married).  So between the ceremony, reception and arriving home, I got to thinking, and I came up with a small list…

• A wedding is the time set aside for the entering into a covenant relationship with another human being before the Holy God and the dearly beloved assembled witnesses, and the joyous celebration that follows.  It is often, also, a monstrously large production that can created layers and levels of headaches, pains and problems for all sorts of people involved.  Such a truth doesn’t make weddings a bad thing.  It just means that a.) it can be very easy to lose one’s focus; b.) it can be very difficult to keep everyone’s focus tied to the essentials; c.) it’s a lot of work to both have a wedding and keep focused on the essentials and d.) I’m very thankful that I don’t have that responsibility at present.

• Marriage is hard work.  Again, I’m glad I don’t know that anyone’s reading this blog (which is a blog entry in and of itself), because the married people would have reason to roll their eyes at the cluelessness of the single person who doesn’t know whereof she speaks, and single people often have the thought of “Yeah but…(either) “My marriage would be different,” or “I don’t care!  I want one anyways!  It can’t be THAT hard.  Everyone I know says it’s worth it.”  God, in His great mercy, has kept me from marriage long enough to shift my clueless pride in thinking that “It can’t be that hard.  And besides–my marriage would be different.” to show me that marriage–the Godly, loving marriage of sacrificing oneself for another sinful human being on a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day basis, truly is one of the most difficult (albeit rewarding) jobs on earth (after parenting, so I’m told).  Which brings me to a third thought…

• A good marriage is a marriage of a grace-gift and hard work.  It is not a guarantee.  Looking at marriage from the outside and inwardly whining, “I wish I had that!” while thinking of it in investment terms more appropriate to accessories or kittens is about as smart as looking at Bill Gates and inwardly whining, “I wish I had that!” and thinking that you could manage being Bill Gates with the same level of investment in your job that you currently hold.  I am (hopefully) certain that Bill Gates is thankful for what he has.  I also know from his own words, that it took a great deal of hard work to get there, and it takes a great deal of hard work to stay there.  And there are crazy responsibilities that come with being Bill Gates.  A good marriage cannot come from the same work investment level that it takes to manage accessories or a kitten.  Your life will change completely and after the big shebang of your wedding day, you return to simply being an attender at everyone else’s wedding and you have the all the responsibilities of every-day life, multiplied by your spouse and children to go along with them.  Married life is not one big, long, romantic, wedding-day-honeymoon bliss.

• The lessons that I have needed to learn as a single person are the same lessons I would have needed to learn as a married person–God has just used different tools of teaching them to me as a single girl than what He would have, in all likelihood, used, as a married one.  The idea that He, alone, is my Enough, that my highest calling in life is to glorify Him, that I have a responsibility to take care of all that He has entrusted to me, that if I wear out this body, I’ll be left without an earthly place to live, that the pain of self-discipline is far less costly than the pain of regret, that God’s Word really is true and it really does have all that I need for life and Godliness…all of these things and every other lesson that I have ever and will ever need to learn, are lessons I need to learn because God is (Hallelujah!) still in the process of making me more like His Son.  They have nothing to do with my married or childed state.  I’ll freely confess that the applications of those lessons are vastly different when in a married or childed state as compared when not, but the lessons, the truths, are true because they are truth, not because they are married or single.  Selfishness is selfishness, whether directed towards a spouse, a child, a neighbor or a stranger.  The need for God’s forgiveness, mercy and grace are just as universal.

• My highest calling in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  That is the only full success or failure that matters, and it does not apply to Deborah, the Mrs. or Deborah the Miss–it applies to Deborah, the human being, nothing else.  If I am measuring my success or failure by any other standard, I am measuring by a faulty one, and will not accurately know whether what I am doing is worth it or not.  If I mess up the job of bringing glory to God and enjoying Him, then Nothing. Else. Matters.  At all.  If I succeed at bringing glory to God and enjoying Him, then nothing can take away that success for all of eternity.

Boiled down, being married or not married is not the point.  Is it part of the travelling for many of God’s people?  Absolutely.  Is it a life-changing part?  Of course.   But it is not a direction-altering state.  The ultimate purpose, goal, and true, fulfilling desire of any person who has been bought and paid for with the precious blood of Jesus Christ is to bring glory to His Name and to find joy in Him.  The Bible makes it clear that when we stand before the Lord to give an accounting for all that we have said, thought and done, that we stand before Him alone, and that we answer for ourselves, alone.  God has blessed billions of people from Adam and Eve onward with having a partner for along the way–a partner that is a fellow sinner, that also has the privileged duty of bringing glory to God’s Name and finding joy in Him.

For those that are striving to that end with a spouse, they need God’s daily mercies and an upholding in prayer by the Body.  For those that are striving to that end without a spouse, they need God’s daily mercies and an upholding in prayer by the Body.  God gives unique challenges and blessings to both and rather than an atmosphere of one-upsmanship of the degree of difficulty of our circumstance, we would better spend our time striving with our siblings in Christ.  Regardless of our earthly status in regards to marriage, our eternal status is as an individual before the Audience of One.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will—to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.  In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.  And He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one Head, even Christ.”  Ephesians 1:3-10

Happy Living for Jesus, Ryan and Ashley…and all of you married people!  I am, truly, praying for you.  Happy Living for Jesus, all of you unmarried people!  I am praying for you, too.  May everyone come to know the unparalleled joy that comes from knowing and loving our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!  To Him be the glory both now and forever, Amen!

Sometimes, the pull of Eternity is so strongly on my heart that I wonder that I am not pulled right out of this world.  Encroaching Autumn always does this to me, without fail.  I’m not sure if it’s the cooler weather, the start of a new school year, the loss of “wonder and adventure” that used to permeate my being especially in Autumn and especially as a child, or the fact that I feel like I am somehow missing out on an elusive something that is tied up with physically distant but dearly loved people and an unidentifyable longing that are braided together in an indefinable call that I hear and feel to the very marrow of my bones.

As strange as it feels for me to write it, I almost think Wonderful Autumn is in some ways my least favorite season…or at least the most disconcerting one.  Winter, I have come to love simply for the cozy, tucking in and resting aspect of it, the knowledge that this is good and will produce great good and renewal from the time of rest; Spring is all of joyful anticipation; Summer–oh, glorious Summer!  And then, Fall…a two-sided coin that is pure, soul-flooding pleasure and pure, soul-twisting pain all at once.

I was reading in Isaiah in chapters 60, 61 and 62…anticipating Kingdom Come, and words to Israel such as “Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy”…”Then you will know that I, the LORD, am your Savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.”…”No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.  The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.  Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.  Then will all your people be righteous”…

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated”…”so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.”…”I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God.  For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,”…”For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.”

“The LORD has made proclamation to the ends of the earth:  ”Say to the Daughter of Zion, ‘See, your Savior comes!  See, His reward is with Him, and His recompense accompanies Him.’”  They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the LORD; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.”

Wow.

I know very well the absolute urgency to realize that Jesus could come at any moment.  The more I read God’s Word, the more I long for people to know Him and to not be so stubborn and hard-hearted with this gift of living in an Age of Grace.  And yet, sometimes, when I read the news, and I read people’s Facebooks and I hear the hard stuff and see the sin and know from various means the pain that is merely a ‘normal’ part of life in this sin-cursed world…the longing for the Day when the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations is so intense it feels difficult to breathe.

Oh God!  Keep the vision of Some Day Very Soon so freshly before me that I do not grow weary in doing good and in living in obedience to You!  Help me to realize that it truly, truly, is just a few snatches of moments before we stand before You to give an accounting of everything done in this blip of a seventy or eighty year timespan!  Make me steadfast, unmoving, always abounding in Your work, since I know that my work in You is not in vain!  Keep me hungry, Lord, keep me longing for that Day…let me not become so comfortable and content with the day-to-day of this world that I ever lose my hunger and thirst for the Day when You will rule the world with truth and grace and make the nations prove the glories of Your righteousness and the wonders of Your love.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

Today is the last day of Summer (for this school teacher).  Today is the first day all year that I have taken time off to just go out and relax and enjoy.  I’m halfway not okay with that…but I halfway am.  I’m not, for obvious reasons, glad about the fact that I haven’t gotten to be ‘out’ at all this summer.  In many ways, it makes me feel as though I haven’t ‘had’ a summer.  However, looking back (in certain ways) can easily become annoying, counterproductive and joy-stealing, and I’m not okay with that.  God has *very*much* brought me to a Looking Forward place in life…and for that, I am thankful, thankful, thankful.

Just at present, I am swinging back and forth in a hammock up at The Creek.  The Creek is Ryan’s Mom & Dad’s house and I am blessed. beyond. measure. that they are so generous with sharing this space with me and letting me mentally think of it as ‘my place’.  The fact that the blue sky and the yellow sunsplashes on the green grass are being reflected off the glass of my screen is not lost on me that this truly, truly is a vacation place for me, even if it’s not the ocean and even if I didn’t have to drive a great distance to get here.  I’m super happy about the second deal.  I must confess, however, to a particular longing for the first.

I haven’t been *away*away* since the summer of ’07.  I think the last time my Mom was *away*away* was during the early 1990s…and she had her whole family with her.  I’ve tried to get her to take some time away, but she’s pretty stubborn.  I come by it honestly, and double-whammy-ed, from both sides of the family.  Mom *really* needs some away time now, as she is living with/caring full time for my Grandpa.  And, she had additional surgery on her hand yesterday.  I’m trying to get her and Dad to take some time…we’ll have to see how that turns out.

So clearly, I don’t NEED to be away *nearly* as much as my Mom.  However, this summer in particular, I’ve had a STRONG urging to be at the ocean…oy vey, has it been strong.  I think it partly has to do with a.) not being away in awhile, b.) the craziness that these past couple of years have been, particularly health-wise and the all-affecting nature of it, c.) the fact that I used my air conditioning this summer for the first time in three years (I *hate* feeling ‘trapped’ in the house…ESPECIALLY in Summertime) and d.) just a desire to get away, rest well, and come back ready to go.  The wildness of the ocean, the splendour of its colours and hues, the constant breezes blowing day and night, the vastness of it, the smack-between-the-eyes God-ness of it all draws me in a way that nowhere else I’ve yet discovered draws.  I want that.  I miss that.  I’ve had to struggle against panicky thoughts and feelings knowing I’m not getting that.  My imagination can get the better of me if I’m not careful.

You know that whole Looking Forward thing?  Sometimes I have to do it to myself while I’m talking about it to other people.  This Summer, I had a job offer in Boston.  I was excited.  I was freaked.  I didn’t know what to do.  For every reason I had to go, I had a reason to stay.  For every reason I had to stay, I had a reason to go.  I didn’t know if I was going to be moving fifteen hours from ‘home base’ or not.  I didn’t know if I was going to leave behind the educational world or not.  I didn’t know if I was going to be living in the descendiary places of Dr. Warren, Paul Revere, Johnny Tremain , Nathan Winslow , Samuel Adams, John Adams and more, or not.  I didn’t know if I was going to be living less than half an hour from the ocean or not.  Praise to the Father, I had people praying for me–LOTS of people praying for me.

I cannot, cannot adequately find the words to declare how much it meant that people were petitioning our Father for wisdom on my behalf.  I am *ecstatic* to find out today that God has answered them.  One big piece of advice that has been repeated to me multiple times through this process has been, “You never break one contract without signing another one first.”  School starts Monday.  The second Boston company (the first one offered the job, but I needed to interview with the second one to which they’d be hiring me out as a consultant) has been in a backlog of interviewing because of current responsibilities.  I had been willing to go, if that was where God was leading, and in spite of the being excited/nervous as to all the unknowns.  God has made it aboundingly clear that I am to stay.  I know, after much seeking of the Lord both by myself and others, that this is where He wants me, for now at least.

That is an exciting thing for me.  I think, especially when one *is* near family and friends, that it’s easy to begin to wonder along the lines of, “Am I here because it’s convenient, or because this really is what God has for me?”  Don’t get me wrong–there are challenges unique to being around family and friends…but to know from a specific situation the Lord dropped into my lap that for now, this is where He wants me to be, I am excited.  And, I’m Looking Forward.

I’m Looking Forward to the days ahead and to what God has for me…the things He wants me to learn from His Word, from the people He has in my life, from the lessons that He drops in my lap in a thousand and ten different ways…the things that He wants me to do, living my life according to the disciplines of His grace, His Fidelis Charis that overrides every element of my life and the ways I get to say “thank You” back to Him…the things He wants me to experience, the things that give me a differently angled view of the infinite facets of His character that appear everywhere if I would just have the eyes to see them.

And yes, I’m Looking Forward to the day when I get to enjoy the warm ocean breezes, the eternal-like cadence of the crashing waves, the brilliance of the sun, the freshness of the water and the cries of the gulls.  I don’t know when it will be…but being able to rest in God’s sovereignty from the big to the small, from the elaborate to the mundane, from the wants to the needs is not just a breath of fresh air, but the breath of life from the Breath of Life.  And in the meantime, a few hours’ escape to a babbling brook, in a sun-dappled meadow with a hammock, the buzzing of humming birds, a whispering breeze and a short drive home, is a good gift from the Father of Lights…and I am thankful.

I love Surprise Lillies!

(One of) The view(s) from the hammock…it’s not perfectly clear because I was slightly swinging.