Today is Saturday, and I am seated in the brilliant sunshine of the back yard with my jeans rolled above my knees, my turtleneck sleeves pushed above my elbows, a box of kleenex at my side and a pot of Darjeeling (I think that is *such* a fun word to write and say) on a cart beside me.  I suppose you could call it the red-neck, Americanized verson of afternoon tea out-of-doors.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been sick as in head-cold, sore throat, pounding headache type of sick, and without desiring to sound like a freak, it’s nice to be sick in a my-body-isn’t-inflamed-and-I’m-in-pain-everywhere-I-have-skin kind of way.  Don’t get me wrong–I don’t ENJOY feeling this way…I’m missing an incredible production of theatre, I’ve got stacks of papers to grade, a Library that looks more like an exploded print shop, cooking that awaits and about fifty other things that would be profitable to be doing this Saturday, especially in anticipation of being 745 miles away at this time next Saturday; however, feeling normal, even “normally sick” is such a blessed relief after the past couple of years that I am thankful and able to appreciate the normalcy of it, at least.

Last Saturday, I was blessed, immeasurably, by two friends–one, a girl who has gone to our church at several points during the last decade, the other, the Mom of my best-friend-growing-up, Jennifer.  They (never having previously met each other) showed up last Saturday morning and blessed me with a combined four hours work from each of them in tackling my house and beginning to return it to habitable.  Due to both how I’ve been over the past year and other recent events, it was moving towards the inhabitable stage.  Ginny and Lisa brought their indomitable energy and I now have a clean living room and a mostly clean kitchen.  I *c*a*n*n*o*t* tell you what a gigantic relief it was to have livable rooms return to my house.  I have continued to work and make small progresses and last night, we got to celebrate Kristin Leeanna’s and ShillVester’s birthdays here (Library not-withstanding), and even though there is much yet to go, I am beginning to have hope that perhaps one day, I can return to the world of fully taking care of my own responsibilities and reaching out to others through Fidelicharis House.

I don’t know much else in regards to my skin situation.  I am still on the steroids (and it’s showing in my face and body), but I am one-milligram-a-week-at-a-time weaning myself down.  I am to finally get in to see the Rheumatologist this Tuesday and we shall see what they say.  I’ve one doctor that thinks that I have nothing more than psychotic, out-of-control eczema and another who things that it might be something more problematic.  I don’t fully know what to think.  On one hand, I’ve been dealing with the crazy eczema for all of my life, so it’s familiar.  On the other hand, the last several ‘cycles’ through which its gone have gotten exponentially worse each time, have rendered me further and further immobile and have required higher and higher levels of steroids to treat it.  On one hand, having something more serious brings with it a whole new level of complication, but on the other hand, it at least provides a ‘why’ to all the nuts-o stuff that’s happened that doesn’t seem to make much sense.

Bottom-lining it, God is in control, which is exactly where He is going to stay, and I am called to continue to trust Him.  Whether that’s with steroids and their side effects (which can get u g l y, and far beyond mere weight gain), or whether that’s with something else all-together, I don’t know.  And that’s the point–I was reading this week (I have no idea where–another downside to the information overload known as the internet!) about the point where there is no need for faith anymore, no need to trust–at the point where faith becomes sight.  It came across as slightly odd when first I heard it, but the more I thought about it, the more anticipatory I became.  How *wonderful* to be at a place where there is no need for faith!  How fabulously odd to simply be able to see, to know the ‘whats’, the ‘whys’, the answers to the questions, and truly, the Answer to the questions.  Oh, how I long for that day!  Truly, not so much in the realm of feeling a need for answers today or anything, but just in the fact of finally, finally, finally being face to face with my Savior.  ”It will be worth it all when see Jesus!  Life’s trials will seem so small when we see Christ!  One glimpse of His dear face, all sorrows will erase, so bravely run the race ’til we see Christ!”

“Oh, we shall behold Him
Yes, we shall behold Him
Face to face, in all of His glory!
We shall behold Him
Yes, we shall behold Him
Face to face, our Savior and Lord!”

Then the angel showed me the River of the Water of Life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the Tree of Life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.  No longer will there be any curse.  The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and His servants will serve Him.  They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads.  There will be no more night.  They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light.  And they will reign for ever and ever.  The angel said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true.  The Lord, the God Who inspires the prophets, sent His angel to show His servants the things that must soon take place.”  “Look, I Am coming soon!  Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy written in this scroll.”  ~Revelation 22:1-7

P.S.  While we wait for that day, the crocaii are out and I sent a picture or two to Maxwell…and there is supposed to be a very bright full moon tonight…so I may post some pictures of this last Day of Winter, 2010-2011.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows, like sea billows, roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

~H.G. Spafford

It’s been a ride, that’s for certain.  And thankfully, not the ride that Horatio Spafford rode.  At present, I’ve sent out five ‘big’ updates since the last time I updated my Xanga.  I won’t bore you with the details.   The short version is that from the last time I wrote, in many ways, things went from bad to worse, skin-wise.  I ended up out of school for the first half of February, unable to turn my head or bend my joints, God opened the door for me to get into a specialist in twenty-four hours, I had eight doctor’s visits in eight days (and am averaging three per week) I’ve been put on all sorts of steroids,  I lost two inches of fluid from each ankle in two days, I gained eleven pounds in twenty four hours, I am walking, moving, doing laundry, sashaying about and teaching without pain or itching for the first time in years, I have gotten to wear satin pajamas, dresses, skirts and even a pair of high heels for the first time in two years, I’ve been told I have Reynaud’s Phenomenon (which explains why I could never remember my hands having been frost-bitten!) and I’ve been pointed in the direction of lupus or scleroderma as possible answers to the (grammatically incorrect but more popularly phrased) question, “What in the world is going on?!”

I am being sent to a rheumatologist for the next step of diagnosis (as well as return visits to two specialists) and will see where we go from there.  It seems so crazy, that one month ago today, I was unable to function in any capacity of normalcy and now, aside from the fog of exhaustion (crazy low iron) that insists on hanging about my body, I feel more ‘normal’ and ‘functionable’ than I’ve been in *years*.  I’m still processing all of the lessons I’m learning and all of the things God is teaching me in this whip-saw difference of ‘house/bed-bound’ to ‘able-to-be-a-skirt-wearing, closed-skin, non-itchy, not-in-pain girl’.  At the same time, I’m aware that this is all in response to the four steroids that are coursing through my body and that I *cannot* continue along in that vein for a lengthy period of time, as each usage of them further affects the body problematically in multiple ways.

So what does all that mean?  Well, a couple of things, actually, both ‘big picture’ wise and more specifically…

1.  When peace like a river attendeth my way…it can be such a relief!  I have fought the return to steroids for three years now.  I am *very* aware their negative side affects and the ‘cumulative’ affect of them having to go back to such levels…and yet, God made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t going to be able to continue down the path I was going in fighting this thing.  Something different was going to have to take place if I was to be able to function, go to work, get a shower and move around my house and my responsibilities (work, groceries, errands, etc.)  And even in spite of the problems that have arisen and may arise, having *whole* skin, being able to get some sleep, and not scratching my body for hours at a time and the after-affects of that has been as deeply *restful* to my tired self as lazily rafting along a lovely, peaceful river, feet dangling in the water (because they’re closed!) with a cool iced tea on a hot summer’s day.  And I am thankful.

2.  When sorrows like sea billows roll…the God of peace is the God of sorrow and is the same God of peace in the midst of sorrow.  I in NO way compare my circumstance to Horatio Spafford–losing his son to fever, losing his four daughters to shipwreck, being left to go meet his wife, his only survivor of the shipwreck in England…how he ever wrote these words is due strictly to a strength that God gave him that is beyond my understanding.  And yet, in my own sorrows, God has shown me faithfully, faithfully, faithfully that He IS the God of peace.  I don’t know what the ultimate verdict of this all will be, and there are some possible crazy consequences (wikipedia states “Individuals with morphea or limited scleroderma have a relatively positive outlook. They will usually die from another disease, not the scleroderma.”–there has GOT to be a different way of stating that!  I about died laughing at their positive outlook!!!).  His peace, that passes ALL understanding, has truly kept my heart and my mind by Christ Jesus.  I have *no* idea what lies ahead (not that any of us ever really do! …but I used to feel like I did).  For this ‘planner-ahead-er’, that is nothing short of God’s special growth and provision, which is so wonderful, in and of itself.

3.  Whatever my lot…God. Is. Enough.  If I go on and they find out what’s happening and I’m able to live a relatively normal life and the past five years appear as a physical anomaly in my span of three-score and ten or eighty if I have the strength, that would be an incredibly beautiful, wonderful gift.  And if I end up with some crazy form of scleroderma or some other situation and my life and health right now are at the top of the hill and it all goes down from here, God. Is. Enough.  “Remember this, fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels.  Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me.  I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come.  I say:  My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.  From the east I summon a bird of prey; from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.  What I have said, that I will bring about; what I have planned, that I will do.” ~Isaiah 46:8-11  God was talking about Himself in comparison to the gods of Babylon that Israel was wanting to follow at the time…but the truth of the matter is still very real.  Our God is in Heaven.  He does whatever pleases Him.  And it is good, and right and He is Enough.

4.  Thou has taught me to say…oh how I need taught!  SO many, many lessons to learn.  In the days ahead, I’ll be detailing some of them.  As it is, one thing I’ve learned is that it’s still a better idea, even though I have the ability to move with such freedom and speed compared to how it has been, to not rush around like crazy and be late for things.  Profound, I know.  (They’re not all grand and glorious things…most of them land in the trenches.)   I don’t always succeed at being early, but I need to get a move on to school…and it’s a lovely thing to be *able* to do so!

5.  It is well, it is well, with my soul.  The ONLY way that ANY thing is well with my soul is because of the hope that I have in the One Who loved me enough to die for me.  If God was willing to take care of my greatest need with the life’s blood of His Own Son, it *truly* is well with my soul…and I can trust Him with everything else.  Praise His Name!

One of the definite perks of feeling human again for these past couple of weeks of the steroid-induced ‘vacation’ from it all was that I was feeling well enough to go to our ladies’ retreat with the girls from church.  Even after I’d said that I’d go, I knew that I’d never be able to make it through, at the point that I was.  And then, with feeling so much better, I was *thrilled* to get the opportunity, in no small part because Marla was going to be our speaker!  Marla is a wonderful girl whose written some *excellent* books–I highly recommend them–they are my standard gifts for wedding & baby showers (so if you’re getting married or childrened anytime in the near future, you now know your gift!), and we have been online-connected for at least three years now.  She tells the story better than do I (Of course she does!  She’s a writer!) and she’s written a bit about it today on her blog.  So if you want to hear the story, you can read about it with her.  I will, however, post a quick picture and tell you that it was yet another blessing to spend a peaceful, enjoyable day with all sorts of Siblings, especially getting to meet another one *before* we get to spend eternity together…yahooooojalujah!

Have a lovely day!